The bags are packed and loaded, my stuff is (mostly) managed, my goodbyes have been said, my water bottle is chillin' in the fridge (it's probably have one last hurrah with the salsa ... I'm going to miss that salsa.) and my in limbo state is finally coming to a close.
In limbo is awfully uncomfortable, I've decided. Which is interesting, because in this very study abroad class we talked about LIMINAL SPACE, which is the concept of a time, space, or place without any boundaries. The best physical example: elevators. The time you spend on an elevator is entirely dedicated to waiting. People don't talk, because that's weird, even if you know some of the people you're with. You really want to rattle someone's cage, strike up a meaningful conversation with a stranger on the elevator; neither of you have the time or the emotional investment. It is fascinating to see how strangers react.
Today I was wondering what made this experience of having no responsibility or belonging or even regular interactions any different than the summers of my youth, because there are a lot of similarities: my responsibility is low, I don't have the regular system of homework, I did pretty much whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and no one bothered me about not getting anything done.
In those summers, I didn't know anything better. I didn't know how satisfying it is to cross off ten things on your "To Do" list, or to gain educational insight on a subject, make something useful or productive of my time, or focus on service and other people. I was just a tomboy enjoying sunshine, bugs, books, and hanging out with my mom. (which I would still trade for anything, PS. Have you met my mother? You'd want to hang out with her too, making random fruit smoothies or going to Jo-Ann's. Or anything else. I can't wait to come home and hang out with you, Mom!)
That life was great, don't get me wrong. I'm sure a lot of who I am came from getting those childhood experiences. But how grateful am I to find satisfaction in the things I do now, to have meaningful interactions with the people around me and to recognize personal development. I think when we gain the ability to really control our lives, and mold the products we produce, that's when we cross the line from bug-loving summers to idea-executing existence. That's when a day vacation is great, even a week; but your intellect starts to hurt when you don't exercise it. More than ever can I relate to a fish out of water.
Isn't it amazing that with knowledge and maturity comes responsibility. Whether we recognize it that way is our own choice, but that's how the cookie crumbles. Who would have thought I wanted to put responsibility back in my life! But that is what I want. Sure I'll take the stress it comes with; I'd rather be worried about something than worried about nothing.
And now I am going to find great satisfaction in dreaming of passenger vans. Tomorrow starts a grand adventure!
Word of the day: afterclap \AF-ter-klap\ , noun; An unexpected, often unpleasant sequel to a matter that has been considered closed.
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